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I believed she was a manifestation of my subconscious, the part of me that wanted to live and kept me from slipping into death. It was a strange phenomenon. But knowing she wasn't real didn't keep my heart from believing.She pressed against my side, leaning her head on my shoulder, her brown eyes meeting mine. You need to stay. You can't go with them.“I won't leave you,” I told her. In the beginning, I could, but it grew harder and harder every time I left.You will leave here, but not with them. She is coming to heal you.“She?” I found her. She is what you need. You have my blessing to live. I want you to be happy.“I can't leave here. I can't leave you.”Serisia touched my chest above my heart. I won't leave you. I'll be with you. I'm in here. But don't worry, you'll like her. She's fearless and intelligent.“Who is?”Just wait. She'll come. She'll make you happy again, my love. That's all I want.“Why do you keep me alive?” I asked, tears burning down my cheeks. “I could join you. A. Always minding my Ps and Qs … Gay too.”Oh. “Surely not a drama nowadays?”“Look at how Helmut Schmitt was treated. Dad still makes snide remarks about him.”I remembered reading outrageous comments about Helmut kissing his boyfriend after winning the eventing gold at the last Olympics.“I don’t really want you to leave.” My thumb circled her palm.“What about me riding Sugar?”Squeezing Sarah’s hand again, our fingers interlinked. “Depends.”“On what, Annie?”“Depends on you still wanting to kiss me.” ************* Waiting at the start of the cross-country course, I walk Sugar in circles, not wanting his legendary impatience to over-excite him. Finally, the medical helicopter, airlifting the English rider who had fallen, passes overhead and I get the signal to start.One soft press of my thighs and Sugar is quickly cruising, hunting for obstacles to conquer. So far everyone has had a time penalty on this course. But that suits us, we trust each other and Sugar is probably the most athletic.
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